/sigh

I'm really really REALLY bored.

Trust

Trust is something I have a problem with. This has come to mind after a certain someone came floating into my life again, as she always does this time of the year, but I think it's time I wrote down what happened. It's so long ago it's practically a heartrending blur....

First I should explain the relationship my grandmother and I had, she was everything to me. She was the one who knew all my fears and all my wishes, the one I turned to in times of need. I even used to complain about visiting my other grandparents because they weren't her. She inspired my creative side and was the only person in my family who has ever said I love you to me, the only one who really hugged me.

It all happened not too long before my 17th birthday. I got an odd call from my grandma just saying she wanted to see me, usually she was very cheery and wanted to know about what I'd been doing etc etc but this was cold, just a "You need to come over and talk to me. Goodbye."
I went back through the house and both my parents instantly knew something was up, when I explained Dad went and called her back.

She was accusing me of stealing things from her house. Dad said we'd be down in a few minutes. We got in and straight away she was yelling in my face, trying to make me confess to something I hadn't done. I sat down in the livingroom and she produced a piece of paper, her list of things I had stolen from her and apparently sold on the black market. It was things like crystal ink wells and carved animals, things with little or no value monitarily or sentimentally. She was constantly yelling at me to confess, we could start over if I would just confess.

I've never seen my Dad so angry, even my Mum said that afterwards. He pushed my Grandma into her seat to try and make her calm down, or at least stop shouting. It didn't work, she got back up and continued for a wee while, watching me sob but refuse to confess.

That's when she started screaming "That's no grandchild of mine".

I had to leave. In that single moment I broke beyond repair. I could do nothing but run away. I'm not sure how I got home, but when I did there were 16 messages on the phone answer machine, her screaming how we were all removed from her will and how she never wanted to see us again.

I'll never forget that day. All I can ever think now is, how can I trust anyone else? When the one person I really thought meant it when they said, "I'll always be there for you" didn't mean it at all? Blood is supposed to be thicker then water. If this is what my blood does do I even want to know the water?

But most of all I hate what that has made me. I find myself using people unintentionally, hurting others due to my own twisted version of the world and how it works. I just wish someone had warned me, they all knew she did stuff like this, so why protect me so this could happen?

It can't be changed now. I can't be changed now.

Tears dry but you can still see them.

:)

I made a choice. I'm very happy with it too :) lots of smiles all round :)

I'm feeling the emo side today... plus listening to music is just about the only thing keeping me sane....

I love the torment you can put into Wicked Game by Chris Issak, i need to remember it and apply it to my exam pieces... Actually torment would work quite well in When I Am Laid in Earth after all she is dying for love a man.... even if he is a bit a bastard

I still can't get what I should be feeling in If I Loved You though.... the character is a bit too calculating for me to understand. I'm not sure if she even is calculating, after all she knows it's going to end terribly but she goes through it anyway... hmmm... i'm afraid it's just an emotion i've never really felt and if i have i didn't know it

might have to look into that instead of doing cisco right now

Cain

If I go will you follow
Me trough the cracks and hollows
And I would be your Cain
If you would be here now

I can't get this out of my head, something about that song just speaks to me. Maybe I'd just like to have that feeling.

Someone once said to me that she didn't think I could ever fall in love properly because I can't give myself over to someone completely, I'm to guarded with my true thoughts, feelings and wants. I don't think anyone would like to be thought of like that. Certainly made me think.

Ultimately it has worked out worse for someone else, and for that I'm sorry. Blame my friend, I would :P

optimism

Feeling quite optimistic about it all today, although the nerves are there.... Also reminded the college about my difficulties... i've pretty much been given the option of hiding in the guidance office whenever I feel like it. Which I hope to use and abuse at some point hehe

I'm keeping my claddagh open. I'm scared to turn it round again after all I don't want to run straight into another serious relationship after another again. It doesn't end well, makes me feel like more then a bit of a whore AND I'm not wanting to fuck things up.... I waited a long time of this to happen and to be honest I'd like nothing to go wrong

People seem to be behind it but they don't know the full scope.... plus they're as whorish as me.... maybe more so.

well...

It's been a long time now but I think I'm capable of writing down my thoughts and feelings again without going completely mental.

Life is moving on and up but what do I do??

Right now I have choices.

Some of those choices won't happen. ever. I'm just not that kind of girl.

But what should I do?







I didn't want this to happen damnit.