Trust

Trust is something I have a problem with. This has come to mind after a certain someone came floating into my life again, as she always does this time of the year, but I think it's time I wrote down what happened. It's so long ago it's practically a heartrending blur....

First I should explain the relationship my grandmother and I had, she was everything to me. She was the one who knew all my fears and all my wishes, the one I turned to in times of need. I even used to complain about visiting my other grandparents because they weren't her. She inspired my creative side and was the only person in my family who has ever said I love you to me, the only one who really hugged me.

It all happened not too long before my 17th birthday. I got an odd call from my grandma just saying she wanted to see me, usually she was very cheery and wanted to know about what I'd been doing etc etc but this was cold, just a "You need to come over and talk to me. Goodbye."
I went back through the house and both my parents instantly knew something was up, when I explained Dad went and called her back.

She was accusing me of stealing things from her house. Dad said we'd be down in a few minutes. We got in and straight away she was yelling in my face, trying to make me confess to something I hadn't done. I sat down in the livingroom and she produced a piece of paper, her list of things I had stolen from her and apparently sold on the black market. It was things like crystal ink wells and carved animals, things with little or no value monitarily or sentimentally. She was constantly yelling at me to confess, we could start over if I would just confess.

I've never seen my Dad so angry, even my Mum said that afterwards. He pushed my Grandma into her seat to try and make her calm down, or at least stop shouting. It didn't work, she got back up and continued for a wee while, watching me sob but refuse to confess.

That's when she started screaming "That's no grandchild of mine".

I had to leave. In that single moment I broke beyond repair. I could do nothing but run away. I'm not sure how I got home, but when I did there were 16 messages on the phone answer machine, her screaming how we were all removed from her will and how she never wanted to see us again.

I'll never forget that day. All I can ever think now is, how can I trust anyone else? When the one person I really thought meant it when they said, "I'll always be there for you" didn't mean it at all? Blood is supposed to be thicker then water. If this is what my blood does do I even want to know the water?

But most of all I hate what that has made me. I find myself using people unintentionally, hurting others due to my own twisted version of the world and how it works. I just wish someone had warned me, they all knew she did stuff like this, so why protect me so this could happen?

It can't be changed now. I can't be changed now.

Tears dry but you can still see them.